Look around you next time that you are out in public where the great unwashed masses of suburbanites, working class Joes, and knuckle dragging Fox news heads gather, and you will notice one glaring thing – most Americans dress like children. From the endless bad tattoos to the stupid tee-shirts and short pants – we are a nation of childlike dressers.
I know that I am often guilty of the same thing. Like right now, I am at work, typing this on my lunch break while sporting a plane blue tee, shorts and am barefoot. After work, when I go out to meet my new friend at a coffee shop I’ll probably still be in some sort of shorts, but at least I’ll be sporting a button shirt and shoes. My big excuse for now is that it is summertime, will be close to 90f today and I’ll be on my bike.
Dressed Like a Child
Fuck though, look at pictures of people “back in the day”, they dressed nice even when the weather was hot. I guess that isn’t a valid excuse.
When I go to the main “campus” for work most of my co-workers are still dressed very casually. Granted we deal with software, not customers face-to-face, but when you stand in the cafeteria at lunch time and look around, it appears like a bunch of out-of-shape, very old high school students are at lunch. It really isn’t that big of a deal. Of course you dress the way you want to dress. However, I am going to make a concerted effort to dress more like an adult.
My closet contains some nice clothes. I will start wearing them. Along with the clothes of an adult I try to have the accessories that all well dressed men should carry: a pocket knife, a notebook and pen, a handkerchief, a phone/camera, money clip, and a flask.
Here are a few good links for the well dressed man: The Art of Manliness Put This On
“I’m tired of the old shit, let the new shit begin.” – The Eels
AT&T sucks ass for mobile phone coverage. That is all.
Kiszla makes some good points in today’s Denver Post article.
Mediocre Rockies fit with Denver apathy
“Winning baseball doesn’t really matter in Colorado. So what is the Rockies’ motivation to try?”
The Rockies just might get swept by the Pirates (36-64, 13-38 away) in a home stand today. This says everything about a team that relies on Jesus and low pay to win.
Waking Up This Morning (a cross section of 1 minutes worth of brain droppings)
The sound of a thousand vuvzelas echoed through his whiskey damaged head as he stood in front of the mirror brushing his teeth with the Sonicare while squinting at his blurry reflection as the harsh morning sunlight poured through the bathroom window. Aching head and fuzzy brains to begin the begin of another day.
A line from an old Patti Smith song entered his head and rattled around a bit – “Jesus died for somebody’s sins, but not mine.” “Yeah right”, he thought. “Sins of bullshit and being too much of a bullshitter, mine, eh?” Another day in the same old track lay ahead. Shit, piss, shave, eat, work, drink, sleep, miss certain aspects of a life left not long ago, and then do it all over again.
Ah, WTF, turn it all off and head into the day with a grim determination and a hearty laugh at the absurdity of it all. Observe and certify. Clarify then obfuscate. Seize the day and all that shit. Selah.
Fuck It.
I needed a new zippered hoodie. So, I thought to myself, why not get one that is made in the USA? Immediately I thought of Carhart. Good old Carhart, they make their shit in the USA, right? Or, so I thought. I plunket down a good price for a hoodie ordered from the Carhart web site. Waited. Got it. Tried it on. Laundered, and then noticed that the tag reads, “made in Mexico.” WTF? Made in Mexico? How could that be? I am the idiot for buying before doing research, but sheesh, Carhart, I thought that you were one of the good ones.
Like any old pissed off fart I cranked out an email to Carhart customer service asking “what gives?” Here is the canned response:
Good Evening Christopher, Thank you for your interest in Carhartt. To remain competitive in a global economy, Carhartt upholds a balanced approach to manufacturing by owning, operating and sourcing through facilities in the United States, Mexico and globally. Although our level of U.S. production is not as high as it once was, Carhartt still maintains cutting, sewing, distribution, and administrative facilities in the United States. We stand behind the quality of our products and continue to manufacture garments that exceed industry standards for durability, comfort and quality of construction. We hope this information proves to be useful. Thank you for choosing Carhartt. Sincerely, Hali Hamilton Carhartt Customer Service bjr
Good Evening Christopher,
Thank you for your interest in Carhartt. To remain competitive in a global economy, Carhartt upholds a balanced approach to manufacturing by owning, operating and sourcing through facilities in the United States, Mexico and globally. Although our level of U.S. production is not as high as it once was, Carhartt still maintains cutting, sewing, distribution, and administrative facilities in the United States. We stand behind the quality of our products and continue to manufacture garments that exceed industry standards for durability, comfort and quality of construction.
We hope this information proves to be useful. Thank you for choosing Carhartt.
Sincerely,
Hali Hamilton Carhartt Customer Service bjr
Boiler plate response. Now I’m flying a hoodie made by “competitive” (read as substandard “paid” labor). Live and learn, indeed.
A story that I am writing — as I get around to writing more of this story I’ll post continuing/new chapters.
Catamaran — A post apocalyptic skate story.
Chapter Three: Time Enough
“Holy shit-fuck”, Christian said to himself as his vision slowly focused. Scratching his head he looked around and saw a faint outline of Eric in the darkness sitting in the corner shivering and getting to his knees. Eric dry-heaved a bit, coughed then looked at Christian and said, “that must have been some toxic whisky, it feels like I was passed out in an alley under your mamma for a week.” Christian’s head was throbbing and all he could do was stair at the ground and wish that he did not feel like Eric sounded.
“I think that we are still in the walk-in cooler of the “LSL.” “The last thing that I remember was a huge boom and what felt like the air getting sucked out of the sky”, Christian said to the dark outline of Eric. “Let’s try to get this thing open.” Eric crawled over toward Christian’s voice and they both kicked at the cooler door as it inched slowly open.
The first thing they noticed as the light filtered into the dark cooler was that the sunlight and the air were both off-kilter somehow. The light had an odd orange glint to it, as if some giant drunk had chugged twenty PBR’s then pissed all over the sky. The air was cold and dusty, like their college apartment living room after an all night whisky binge before finals.
The second thing that they noticed was that the building did not seem to be standing anymore. There was no floor above them, just the hollowed out shell of the bar that once stood there. The church across the street was a pile of debris, and the street wasn’t really a street anymore just a torn path of rusted cars, wreckage and odd squealing things darting in and out of the destruction. “Damn, the hood looks like my head feels”, Christian said kicking a long dry PBR can out of the way. “Let’s find something to drink and maybe a taco” he said to Eric as they climbed out of the foundation and onto the destruction of a once noisy city street.
“Where’s my board?” “Fuck I can’t find it in this pile of bricks and shit.” Eric said to no one in particular as they picked their way through the destruction. They walked toward what they thought was the baseball stadium, which turned out to be a giant crater full of ruble that used to be the ball park. “Damn, I need a board, let’s see if aSsmage Board shop is still standing.” Christian said to Eric as they walked past the old skatepark.
Down the street alongside a green glowing river that used to be the Platte, they came to the smoldering heap on the block that the skate shop was on. Digging through the debris, Christian and Eric each found themselves a fairly workable skateboard device. “Shit, at least something is going our way”, cracked Eric as they skated back towards what once was downtown. “Food!” quipped Christian, “Food and beer!”
“What?” Christian said as they were rolling through the carnage of what was once 20th street. “I didn’t fucking say anything”, Eric replied. “I could have sworn I heard you moaning.” “Oh, well, this board sure does suck though.” Christian said as he managed to ollie the ash outline of a bike messenger flash fried to the pavement. “Fuck you!” came the reply from out of nowhere. Christian was getting pretty pissed in a Moe from the Three Stooges way. He did a quick slide as the urethane bit into the old concrete making a noise akin to a long extinct Sperm whale’s cry. “Why did you say ‘fuck you’ to me just now?” “I didn’t, ya dick.” Eric was saying as he kicked his board up into his hands. Christian looked around and shook his head in disgust. “I said it!” came a voice from Christian’s skateboard. Christian jumped and tossed the skate onto the ground. “What the fuck!” The skateboard rolled forward a bit and said, “I said fuck you, ya bastard!” “Now get me some skate lube, my bearings are fucking dry!”
Chapter Two: Frozen Time
Nuclear winter, frozen poisonous clouds, mutating DNA, fused living and non-living things too grotesque to be seen in the world previous were on a nuclear fueled super evolutionary path. Several sightings of Mothra™ off the coast of Japan and visits from disgusted extraterrestrials were the norm for the globe for several years. Bands of freakish humanoids roamed the country side looking for warmth and food. A small clique of Drain Babies almost successfully took over Five Points. Billions of Fundy Christians and Fundy Muslims woke up dead with no Jesus or Mohamed to save them. All the while life in one way or another continued on its grasp in living in the new post-apocalyptic world.
Meanwhile, our friends Christian and Eric were slowly waking from their flash frozen state in the lonely walk in cooler as the generator gradually gave way and the walk-in warmed.
Here’s a Top 10 List of Things You Should Twitter About in No Particular Order of Importance or Ranking.
Everyone knows that Twitter is rather annoying. Especially when the bulk of the people you are following Twitter about inane subjects like The Oatmeal guy so brilliantly pointed out. So, to counter that I’m going to try to help out with a list of subjects that can’t miss.
1. Pickles – Making pickles, eating pickles, how and what you plan to pickle next season. These are all worthy Twitter topics. Pickles are great to make and eat. I cannot think of any downsides to growing or making or storing or eating pickles. So, Twitter away. Twitter recipes. Twitter canning tips. Twitter gardening tips. Twitter about pickles and be proud. Bonus for Twitpics of your pickles.
2. Skate Spots – Sure, you want to keep your rad skate spots to your little “core-er than thou” shredder clique, but, go ahead and Twitter about them, regardless. Not that many people are paying attention anyway, but those who are will probably be grateful.
3. Beer – Everyone likes beer. Well, everyone except for terrorists, commies and Christians. If you find an awesome beer, Twitter away! Someone else will probably enjoy it as well.
4. Gardening – Growing stuff to eat is a great pastime. Food is good. Growing your own food is one of the best things you can do. It is healthy. It gives bugs and birds something to eat. It provides a great place for your cat to hunt insects and mice. It makes your salads, stir fries and soups amazing. Twittering about it is never boring. Twitter your gardening tips and pics of your garden. It will be appreciated. Bonuses for backyard chicken coops and bee hives.
5. Rare Sites – Example being if you see a suburban woman driving an SUV and she DOSEN’T have a mobile phone jammed against her empty head or is not texting while driving, Twitter about it because that is a very rare occasion, indeed.
6. Crying Babies on Planes – They are annoying as hell and their oblivious and selfish parents deserve your scorn on the Twitter.
7. Ice Fishing – Sitting on frozen water while fishing through a small hole that you dug with an auger is one of the coolest activities one can engage in on frozen water (the others being hockey and curling). Twitter about it endlessly. Show pictures of your catch. Post recipes for smoked trout. Just do it.
8. Movement Politics – Twitter about local political activities that make politicians uncomfortable, whether wingnut or progressive. Every bought and paid for criminal in politics should feel uncomfortable.
9. Local Products and Services That Work – Fuck products made in China, and services provided by some mega-corporation. If you find something local that is good – whether it be a punk rock band, a bar, food, a prostitute with a heart of gold, pickles, or just about anything – let people know.
10. Weather – Old guys like me like to sit around and talk about the weather. Why not Twitter the weather information? Ahhh, technology – it should give us more time to drink whisky and be surly.
(Bonus) TERRA!!!11! – Every time you see a brown person buying underwear, or see someone who doesn’t look like you, or you feel scared or intimidated in any way, TWITTER IT!!!!! We are a frightened nation! Let people know! Or just read Fox News Twitters, it is all the same.
